In the Not-So-Distant Future — It’s been a rude awakening for some Americans who thought Donald Trump would make their country great again by banning immigrants and refugees, escalating trade wars, and exhibiting unfettered belligerence and disregard for human rights in his every executive speech and action.
“I thought bananas were American,” said Alabama moron Ted Studden. “I didn’t know they came from other countries. I wouldn’t have supported no tariff on Latin American goods if I’d known that.”
Studden said he was shocked to find his neighborhood grocery store devoid of quality produce.
“I couldn’t even find lettuce. Did you know a lot of lettuce is picked by undocumented workers? I thought they just did drugs and committed crimes.”
Studden was further shocked to learn white Americans couldn’t meet the labor demands of domestic agriculture after Trump’s mass deportation of migrants.
According to the U.S. Department of Labor, white Americans performed, on average, twenty-six minutes of manual labor before quitting.
“The most cited reasons for quitting were ‘I’m too fat to reach the ground,’ ‘My feet hurt,’ and ‘I didn’t go to community college to work twenty-six minutes a day in this godforsaken field,’” the department reported in a press release. “White workers also expressed dismay with the humiliatingly low wages offered by commercial monoculture farms.”
Things haven’t fared much better in Silicon Valley, where tech executives have struggled to find enough brain power for their engineering and research and development departments.
“We rely on intelligent, talented, and ambitious workers to bring products like the iPhone to market,” said tech mogul Flan Mollusk. “Unfortunately, after Trump’s annulment of immigrant work visas, we’re having problems finding the right kind of worker. We tried hiring some workers from middle America, but all they did was complain about their lack of Internet fame. We had to fire several of them for masturbating in the break room.”
Mollusk pointed out the same Americans who whine about losing low-skill manufacturing jobs overseas have been enjoying the products of cheap foreign labor for the past thirty years.
“It’s kind of fucked up to close the door on foreign workers — whose governments have oscillated between leftist dictatorship and the ultra rapacious capitalism of banana republics — just as they’re finding their place in a new global middle class. Immigrants, refugees, and migrants want the same quality of life we have. They want access to the same job markets and capital markets and consumer goods we take for granted.”
Mollusk’s words didn’t impress Idaho dipshit Shirley Plaster, however.
“Muslims are our enemy,” Plaster said. “That’s why I support Trump’s ban. I don’t mind people coming here as long as they accept our way of life. That means memorizing the Ten Commandments and sprinkling crushed Doritos on top of tuna casserole.”
When asked if Trump’s Muslim ban has alienated Muslim allies in the fight against radicalism, Shirley said, “I’m not sure what aliens have to do with this. I watched Independence Day 2, but that’s not what we’re talking about, is it?”
Most economists agree that Trump’s racist, protectionist policies have wrought irreparable damage to the American economy.
“Ironically, the people hurt most by his policies are uneducated, white, working-class voters,” said Dijon Goust of the Institute for Apocalyptic Economic Analysis. “Those with higher levels of education and adaptable skill sets are able to emigrate. Economists, for example, are finding work in Asia and Latin America, where they still care about evidence-based research.”
When pressed on this last point, Goust declined to elaborate, saying he was late for his plane.